saturday night….not like any other weekends, instead of hanging out with friends or watching my favorite series i had to ‘jaga’. it was my first time and i was so not into it. i admit i’m  a little nervous, didn’t know what to expect. one night has passed and made me thinking about a lot  of things. i don’t know if i can go on with this profession…it’s just too much for me. i don’t know for how long can i hold it any longer. my heart is just not into it…i’ve lost my passion !! i know it’s a sacred profession but the ideal was not for me. of course i like to help people, but the method was just not for me. many things contradicted with my conscience….and i’m too soft to see other people suffer. it hurts me and i’m trying to hold it together.urghh…this is so tiring. i’m really tired…hope i can escape from this…and find out what i really want. is there still time? there is time i guess…but in reality it’s not that easy. i wish things can be as easy as my fantasy world…where people can do things they like, no worries and live happily… I WISH….

urghh…i can’t believe it’s already 1 week.it was realllllllly fast !! i guess no more play time huh…it’s gonna be a busy one starting tomorrow.

honestly i haven’t prepared or reading anything for the next 3 weeks.o yeah…i guess i didn’t mention…i’m in dermatovenerology (kulit kelamin) department next week. i heard a lot about it…a constant hard work is needed, but yet it depends on who’s you preceptor of course.

i’m kind of wish i’ll get a tough one…the one that can push me to work hard, or else i might just sinking here.however, i’m kind of worried if i have what it takes…and yet wish for more relax atmosphere.huhu..we’ll see

for today, kak pah have invited everyone who stayed during the break for some makan-makan and she’ll cook.if i’m not mistaken the menu is Nasi Ayam !! =) this week i has been blessed with malaysian food..and i’m grateful for it. thanx to my friends here, those who did not go home for Eid. so sorry guys if i’m not much of a help….hehe

i just finished my first clerkship rotation in radiology. i don’t know how’s the result yet..but i hope i’ll pass. it really concerns me because i didn’t think i did well during my exams especially oral exam session. i’m a little distressed but yet i’m relieved it’s over…but not fully relieved..i’m still got a long way to go.

whenever i think about it..i have a little doubt of myself. i don’t know if i can take this anymore…it’s so tiring.. (hello it’s only radiology !!). i don’t know what will happen when i’m in a more rough departments like surgery, internal medicine or OBGYN. i might be exauhsted….even thinking about it scares the hell out of me.it made me think back about the decisions i’ve made. i don’t want to regret it..but sometimes i feel like i really do.I’m sorry for myself.

my body doesn’t feel very good now..i don’t know why. i’m easier to get sick…so much different from before.i don’t know if i’m prepared for this. i really thought i did. i could recall my resume when i applied for medicine in UNSW…i wrote ” I know my priority when I am once a medical student. I have prepared myself to accept whatever it takes whem I become a doctor”. I think i really meant it then, but i had no idea it would be this hard for me. I guess it’s because i loss my passion and found many new interests and distractions.

i can’t believe i started to write here again. my last entrance was over half year ago. i don;t know…it’s just the feeling of typing again..hehe

before that… Marhaban Ya Ramadhan…

i’m starting my clerkship next monday with radiology department. i heard it’s boring…and i’ve never master on reading x-ray..or even understand about nuclear medicine. i hope everything’s gonna be okay… because i’m really worried..scared..and terrified !!!! not only about the radiology department..but about me going into clerkship ! other than hear news here and there about how difficult can it be…i’m just not sure if i’m ready for it. i’m not that happy either when i successfully graduated last week. oh yeah..i had my graduation for ‘Sarjana Kedokteran’ on 26th August and both my parents came. it was an emotional ceremony….but i was half-hearted. i guess i’m not that passionate about my future profession…(yeah..doctor) and uh..yeah..it’s kind a dangerous path i took. i guess i’ll just go along with it as there’s not turning back for me (for a lot of reasons..or is it just an excuse ??!) and i’m already trapped here. so God..help me find my way here…

my advice, if u want to be a doctor.. it’s important to have passion for medicine. and trust me…even how genius you are…hard work is very important.

It has been a loooooong time since my las entry..and it’s another new year !! HAPPY NEW YEAR !! MY 2007 has been a blast with many great experiences!! ..Either they make me laugh or cry, they make what I am today. Importantly, I’m still alive =) Life moves on… !! It’s time for a new chapter in life..and new resolutions!! Haha..honestly never made one. What’s different with this new year? Maybe I’ve grown up and realize that life is short. I need to cherish every moment and plan ahead. I don’t want to regret anything in life !! My resolutions…
Generally, I just want to be a better person =) Additionally be stronger to be one…because there are too many difficulties needed to be overcome…especially myself ! Ever heard our real enemy is ourselves ?? I totally agree..that’s what make it harder.From now on I must struggle to choose my heart  or my thoughts !! Easier if both have the same opinion =p
Specifically… hmm…that’s hell of a list! I’m just gonna keep it for my self ;p

I’LL TRY HARDER
I’LL BE BETTER
I’LL GO FURTHER

HAPPY NEW YEAR !!! Have a great year !!

coffee…huhu..my favourite.specifically nescafe. i just can’t miss it. people always said  that we might get addicted..they sure right! i have tried to stop drinking coffee for few times..but it did’t last for long.huh..what is really in it. in fact i tried it today..just for at least one day.. i skiped during breakfast.. then lunch.. and tea. but then..the smell (i don’t know where is it from, it’s in my head) is really tempting at night. i just can’t help it anymore..i boiled water..haha..and made a cup for me =)
actually i had never drank coffee until i’m out of high school. during high school, my dad  did not like me to take any caffeinated drink. i was only allowed to drink milo. so every time i went back to school, i’ll make sure to bring along at least one pack 3 in 1 milo. how obedient i am huh… i even not tempted to try them even many of my friends did take coffee to help them feel unsleepy at night. haha..now i have never drank milo anymore. coffee is totally for me now..but still among many coffees available, i still love nescafe very much. but i only drink those in 3 in 1 packets..because i dont really know how to make d manual one. i tried but it tasted really awful !! haha…  i guess i can never detox my body since i’m too difficult too be away from coffee ! =p

i’m home!! it’s a year break…i’m here for 3 weeks. today is the first day.. as usual, i just stayed at home and do some chores. i’m fasting too!! this time hanis is home too. it’s really frustating since i have a very limited use of d handphone..i don’t like prepaid =( anyway..it’s kind of bored when i had nothing to do, the tv doesn’t interest me much. i really need a dvd player. i’ve decided to buy one..tomorrow =) i brought a lott of dvds home..can;t wait to watch them all =D

btw, i went to bali for a week last month !! i really have a great time =) and spent a lot of money too =( it was just me, my darling and emy. we went everywhere.. sukawati, place of heaven for shoppers. it was very cheap and many interesting things were sold. we do watersports..and scuba diving was very exciting!! we went to see dolphins..not just some show..but we actually saw them in the sea !! we also went to eat where there’s nice mountain view, kinta mani. the temples arvery beautiful.. the cultural dance.. kecak and barong dance were interesting too.the beaches are really beautiful..especially dreamland. the sunset view was very romantic.. and seafoods were really delicious =) the people are nice too.. and honestly i did feel like i was in europe.foreign people are everywhere.. i bought a lot of things..i don’t even know if i even need them.. but they really catched d eye. haha..i did spent a lot and now i really need to save. for what it worth.. i really hope that i can stay longer =)

i’m home!! although it’s only 1 week..that is enough for me (who am i kidding???!!)..of course it isn’t! God,  I have a good time! even every day waking up, doing chores.. taking my breakfast alone! i have fun! i just like doing chores when nobody’s around because there’s no one telling me what to do. it’s my territory..it’s my way! yeah..i’m in charge!! that’s d best feeling ever! other than that.. i watched TV (of course, i’m a TV freak).. and dvd (i brought back ugly betty & heroes). hmm…shopping? still need to do list for things to buy… i might be going shopping this saturday =) errr… i haven’t even touched my e-book..so i obviously don’t study.maybe later..hehe ;B

it has been a long time since my last entry…huhu..last weekend i had a great time.me and some friends (there were 22 of us) went to play paintball at sari ater hot spring. after a long time craving for it..finally it happened. even though i’ m a little bit disappointed because not many people joined, but yet i’m relieved there’s only 22 of us went. unfortunately, they just have enough firearms for us. if more to come, we might have to split into 4 groups. that will spoil d excitement! we had a really great time..paintball-nasi lemak-flying fox-hot spring bath..it’s just a perfect combination for a day! haha..of course the days after..my legs were ’sakit-sakit’…that’s what u get for being ‘too’ active ;p HIS exam is 2 weeks more… i hope to do better than DMS. plus this system is quite interesting! and i’m excited to go home on 24th..i just can’t wait! i really MISS HOME!!

huhu..tomorrow my sis n bros are coming. i can’t wait to take them to places i’ve planned =) i hope we gona have so much fun !! =D … errr..hope their pocket money is loads!!  shopping !! shopping !!hehe..unfortunately i have to skip one class since i need to fetch them from d airport.. ;p but it’s ok..it’s jz CRP.hope i won’t get caught! =0